at the very forefront of this is a quote i preened from a tweet i saw long ago and can no longer find. why isn't he sexualizing me i feel so unwanted. such a theme is alluded to in mikan's shot through the heart, saying:

why did hajime choose this place . . . ? is he planning to do "this and that" to me . . . ? nut he never tries to do anything to me . . . why doesn't he do anything ? even though he talks to me, he might actually . . . hate me . . . hajime doesn't care about me . . . that's right, that has to be it !

she cries if "this and that to me" is negated, wherein hajime says "no, i won't do anything to you."

that's right, you won't . . . that means you don't care about me, right ?

this and that here is acting as a euphemism for sex — mikan is desperate to feel validation and care via sex. even if those sexualizing her / engaging with sex don't actually care for her, the physicality or otherwise harrowing notion of being attractive and desired is enough for her. this rings especially true for how mikan behaves with men ; they are more reactive to her behaviors. she craves the intimacy.

per sexlab, "self-objectification occurs when a woman emphasizes her physical appearance rather than her competence-based characteristics, which can have negative implications". mikan places a lot of emphasis on her physical appearance, though not in her manner of dress. her physicality veers much towards the self - sexualization, such as the puffing her chest, and any 'accidental' trips and falls she may stumble upon. oh no, she's fallen, legs splayed and face thick with desperation and apprehension ; she is the perfect victim. as though sex is something done to her, not something she is an active participant in. sex is engaged in as a performance instead of for pleasure. she's cast as the starring role of desirability. her self - objectification functions as a defense mechanism for unwanted sexual attention : can anyone truly hurt her if she always allows it to become wanted sexual attention?

in theory, mikan knows herself ( or her body, at the very least ) to be attractive, even if she's unaware of the nuances why. she knows that she's busty, that her ass is shapely, that overall the look to her body is what makes her wanted and desired, but she doesn't comprehend the why . . . nor does she particularly care to.

back in the realm of sex as love and sex as attention, mikan absolutely feels as though there is no love and affection in her life without the reality of sex. but it's not something she parses in an appropriate manner. because she knows sex is impending, she feels compelled to rush towards it — perhaps part of her presumes they will leave once they have gotten exactly it is they want ( her body ), and another part is just eager to revel in the validation for as long as she can. my mikan has borderline personality disorder, which is another factor in play with the enormity of her sexual impulsivity : a sort of desperation to affirm the automatic thoughts flooding her mind.

per another essay, "an individual with an objectified body consciousness closely monitors their body from the view of a third person, exhibits body shame when they fail to achieve the cultural expectations, and believes that individuals are able to control their appearance, respectively". i think a lot of what mikan does pertains to her monitoring her body from the view of a third person, or even more evidently, the male gaze, and controls her appearance in such a regard. she leaves her hair chopped messily and remains enveloped in bandages to play into her vulnerability : does the weakness people can perceive off of her play into her attractiveness? she assumes so. again, the perfect victim.

something i touched on in a headcanon post with her bdsm test results is mikan's . . . almost lack of desire with sex. not that she doesn't want it ; i think she's very sexually forward and experiences lust to a degree she cannot exactly fathom, verging on hypersexual by way of victimhood in youth and for the sake in it's entirety of love as attention. molding herself and being malleable to any desired sexual sort of deviance is satisfactory to mikan because she wants to be as desirable as she can be. that is the only way she can fathom someone genuinely loving or caring about her. also a time to note any proclivities skewing more dominant are not something mikan can feign very well, but it's not exactly a situation she's encountered. anyone desiring her vulnerability and meekness is, chances are, more dominant in nature already.

another thing i wish to brush upon is mikan's yearning for usefulness. it is her thesis statement. she feels that usefulness is the only thing that gives her purpose, like she can only exist in peace with her proximity to other people. this is evident in her talent, as well, granted that she is a nurse. she loves to help people ! in more ways than one. her unwavering loyalty to any of those that show her any semblance of kindness. her adept hands for the ill and needy. and, if all else fails, her sexual forwardness for a release she presumes all covet.

in infant stages, she expresses affection shyly. a soft hand tucking a strand of hair behind an ear. chaste kisses. hand - holding. she's apprehensive about public displays of affection, fearing the scorn others will cast for such a daring act. but she eases into it with time. mikan finds herself splayed out in ability to properly utilize all love languages. a learned behavior, maybe. but one she's learned and held close to her heart : how to give out affection and remain loveable.

she doles out words of affirmation in an unmeasured frequency, an unrelenting constancy of reminders of her love and care for her loved one, doling out droves of verbal encouragement and saccharine ❛ i love you's ❜ . . . speaking of, mikan is very quick to say i love you for the first time in a relationship. she disregards any norm as to when is an appropriate time to say such a thing. she feels the love, the obsession, the fixation, whatever it is, she feels it and she feels it hard, and she wastes no time in externalizing it.

quality time, too. mikan's always desperate to share space with the one she loves. admittedly, she's thankful someone's willing to spend any time with her at all, something she bitterly reminds herself of constantly, fearful she'll toe the line too hard and do something to drive them away. so she has to be the most warm, loving beacon she can fathom. she's quick to introduce one of her 5,000 gathered conversational topics to truly indulge in time spent with her loved one, nosediving into meaningful conversation.

acts of service is one that comes most easily to her. she is naturally thoughtful, by nature wanting to ease the lives of all those around her, including but not exclusively whomever be her loved one. the first is obvious : the tending to of them when sick. what kind of nurse would she be if she didn't ? but even the menial tasks envelop her in lovelight. doing the laundry, bringing a fresh coffee or tea. nurse, then a servant ; devotee above all else.

she's not the most thoughtful with gifts. but she makes a comfortable salary with her nurse work, it is moreso a matter of doubting any ideation towards what a good gift could even be. she keeps a note, any sort of notation, be it on a scrap paper, a spiral notebook with pretty pink pages, the back of a pharmacy receipt, and she keeps a note of how to gift well. colors they like. media they like. objects, characters, concepts, themes — mikan will fill herself with knowledge and better herself until she bursts. that is how to love. that is how to love. that is how to love.

and, of course, she's remarkably physically affectionate. like mentioned before, there is an initial shyness pertaining to public displays of affection. but there is a comfort that love provides in a way many do not understand, and it is a comfort that empowers mikan and gives her strength. she loves to play with hair, perhaps because of how damaged and destroyed she views her own hair as. hence, she loves nothing more to to plunge her shaking fingers into a soft head of hair, tracing heart outlines on a loved one's scalp and immersing herself into a plush solace. kisses, hugs, and cuddles are all in her wheelhouse, as well. there have been few times in mikan's life where she has been bestowed any of the above. so, in some strange, sad, sickly way, she's desperate to revel in any of the trifecta for as long as she can manage, breathing the other's scent deep in until it floods her lungs with an overdose of intimacy. her propensity for self - sexualization pertaining to physical affection is significant, also. she has spent years tormented by the idea of her body being a vessel meant for the viewing and kinesthetic enjoyment of all those around her. so she has no qualms about opening her mouth or her hands, spreading her legs or bending over. she does not know if she enjoys it. but in her eyes, that is not part of the question. her enjoyment is not a factor if it means she can exude an even greater display of love.

in terms of reaction, however, mikan's tendencies are more unpredictable. as aforementioned, she has not frequently experienced many forms of affection. in fact, affection, to her, is moreso that of attention : good or bad, to be known is to be loved, to be addressed is to be loved, to be commanded and berated is to be loved. this is with heavy emphasis pertaining to sex : she's excessively prurient, prone to feel a sharp sting of rejection when her sexual advances are rejected or ignored in any manner . . . what else was she good for, then ? a question not worth answering. she's learned, through time, that people do not take kindly to the constant refusal of compliments : slowly, but surely, she manages to accept them with a demure smile, though whether or not she believes them is a matter solely for her own head.

she's quite shaky with physical affection, too. she jumps like an hit dog, prone to squeaks of astonishment and trembling based in all negative associations to physicality. in mikan's mind, physicality is a vessel in which to end the bad : if they touch her like that, they will stop throwing darts at her. they will stop putting cigarettes out on her. they will stop spitting on her. though she is reluctant, she eases into it with immediacy. she melts at a loving touch. she just does not know what it is. she is, contrarily, not very accepting of acts of service. mikan attempts to keep to herself so much so as to not burden anyone else that in her mind, there are no acts of service to be done. they make her feel awkward. but she appreciates, of course she does. ungrateful girls don't deserve love, do they ? and through gifts and quality time, she still feels burdensome. how can one take up no space except for the confines of the heart of their loved one ? why wasn't it possible ? why not ?

she loves love. she loves loves loves love. and, as she has studied the many books she's read on the 5 love languages, and though they are not entirely conducive to the navigation of dating, love, and affection, she makes her best attempts. conversely, the love languages make a decent itinerary for her being, for all those desiring to feast upon the wounded gazelle.

she has a propensity for seduction to spread despair. she utilizes sex downright manipulatively. and, at the very least, the promiscuity is despair - inducing to her nature as a nurse : no condoms to protect against sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy, and unsafe kinks and fetishes that would more likely than not put her health at risk with poor execution ( bloodplay, breathplay, etc ). additionally, sex functioned as a proxy of self - harm as much as it did of manipulation ; functioning perfectly both to harm her body and well - being, and to lead people down the long, dark, and narrow hallway that was despair.

this fanart is definitely the typical appearance that mikan has in despair. i think she'd take up having nails, acrylics or otherwise, especially because they'd normally be an impediment in her nursing work. the red is for junko, of course ! ♡ but i think maybe that junko gave mikan a sort of makeover ( manipulation under the pretense of beautification, molding mikan into exactly who she wanted her to be ), hence the more revealing clothing, newly distinctive hairstyle and a change in footwear. the skimpiness of the nurse's outfit plays nicely into her promiscuity for despair ordeal. and junko was soooo kind to fix up her hair and perhaps give her some extensions . . . !!!!!

definitely had a wee bit too much recreational xanax usage. it aids in her sexual inclination and makes her feel nice, a bit too nice — a pleasure she's verging on too eager to indulge with alongside her fellow remnants of despair. after all . . . to be so reckless with her health and have her despair - inducing abilities enhanced ? she'd be stupid not to.

likewise as having spent her youth patching up her own wounds, mikan's adapted to caring for herself in all other facets. one of these in particular is cooking & otherwise nourishing herself. and though she is no super high - school level nor ultimate dietician, she's proficient with know - how for healthy meals, how best to prepare and indulge in them. they are not extravagant meals by any means. but those vegetable and rice medleys are all she needs.

also, more adjacent to food overall, but mikan is decently sensitive to sweets. she ate them rarely, if ever, in her youth, so she's not attuned to sweetness. when she can indulge, though, it's blissful. mikan likely makes her own sweets with frozen fruit ( fruit popsicles, anyone ? ) or indulge lackadaisically in some kakigori. much healthier, too, than some processed gummy candy or what - have - you.

cooking is fairly stress inducing for her, though. there was a time wherein she attempted a double boiler on stove - top to melt some chocolate for whatever recipe she was attempting at the time, and the combined stress and heat of the kitchen left mikan spiraling into neuroses. she's never tried it since.

she, additionally, has volunteered her time and meagre cooking skills to certain volunteer organizations. one in particular is second harvest, who most notably provides hot meals to the homeless in ueno park in tokyo every saturday. there is no drawback to having a nurse nearby for any kitchen mishaps, getting over - eager with kitchen knives or burns from splashing water. mikan is happy to help nurse people in such a sense, as well : what better nursing is there than to aid the negatives before they appear ?

to close, some of mikan's favorite recipes are as follows : ginger rice, barley and brown rice bowl, miso salmon with zucchini noodles, and okonomiyaki - style brussels sprouts.